Life Would Be Easy If It Weren’t For Difficult People…
By Motivational Speaker Connie Podesta
Go on, it’s okay. Admit it!
We all know that life would be a whole lot easier if we didn’t have to deal with those few (or many) difficult people we just can’t seem to avoid. I think you know who I’m talking about.
What’s not okay is to give up something you need, want, or deserve because of their rude, obnoxious, sullen, and apathetic habits. Yes, I do mean “habits.” If you’re tired of playing their game, take charge of your life by taking a good look at yourself! You can not change them, but you can change what you do and how you act around them—and ultimately how they affect your life.
The Good News… and the Bad
Difficult people have been trained and taught to act the way they do since they were children. In fact, they have been rewarded for their negative behavior throughout their entire lives. Difficult behavior worked for them as children, and more importantly, it continues to work for them as adults.
I believe that most of us are born with the capacity and desire to love and be loved. As we grow, we learn to respond to verbal and visual cues, and we begin to adjust our behavior to obtain the positive responses we want. Children who can manipulate their parents soon learn to enjoy feelings of power and control over others.
The game of life is basically about getting our needs met. And you certainly do play a part! We reward difficult people by giving in to their needs. Think about it. If someone’s behavior is consistently inappropriate or unacceptable toward you, ask yourself if in any way you are rewarding their negative behavior.
For example, Helen gets upset every time Harry mentions that he wants to play golf. Rather than face a two-hour lecture, Harry usually finds it easier to just stay home. One day, however, he gets angry and accuses her of being a nag who never understands him. Instead of answering back, Helen gets her feelings hurt, stomps off, and gives Harry the silent treatment. He takes advantage of her “cold shoulder” and plays a few holes of golf!
Jennifer wins the same “reward” at her new school. Few of the kids would talk to her and some were even making fun of her. She asked to stay in during recess, but the teacher said no. Eventually she gets into a fight and pushes another girl down. The teacher tells Jennifer that fighting is against the rules and she will have to stay inside. What did Jennifer learn? Ask the teacher respectfully and you will not get what you want. Push someone and you can avoid recess!
We have three choices each time we respond to another person:
1.) be positive
2.) be negative;
3.) avoid or ignore them.
Difficult people see avoidance as a positive response. When we ignore unacceptable, inappropriate behavior, it will usually happen again because our avoidance tells the difficult person that we are willing to accept their behavior.
What do they really want?
Difficult people want to do their own thing, in their own time, in their own way, without interference. In addition, they expect everyone around them to cooperate – even work extra hard – to ensure that this happens. And they do not see anything unreasonable about these expectations. There is little in their experience to signal them that their actions are inappropriate. They also have little (if any) desire or motivation to change their habits.
What can I do about it?
We learn a lot from difficult people. We tolerate their behavior and attitudes as “part of life.” We hold back our feelings and swallow our words. We make concessions even when we do not receive anything in return. We compromise even when it is 90/10 instead of 50/50. We may even question our own ability to relate and communicate with others reasoning that, “Maybe it’s me.”
Since we cannot change difficult people, we can only change ourselves and our reactions to their behavior. They need our cooperation and our permission to intimidate, control and repeatedly manipulate us to get their way. In most relationships, we are treated exactly the way we allow ourselves to be treated. The good news is that because we are partly responsible, there is something we can do to create and maintain relationships where we are treated respectfully. That’s great news! By focusing on ourselves and the changes we can make in our own behaviors and reactions, we can begin to take control of how other people treat us – today!
Take Action!
Think about two difficult people in your life. Identify the behaviors of these difficult people.
Ask yourself if you could possibly be rewarding these difficult people. Would they describe you as the difficult person? If so, what would they say?
Want to learn more techniques and strategies for dealing with DIFFICULT people? Click here to get Connie's best-selling book Life Would Be Easy If It Weren't for Other People today!
And don't forget to join in the conversation on Facebook! She shares everyday strategies that can kick start your day, make you think, open dialogues and change your perspective. You'll laugh, learn and love the camaraderie! Follow her now at www.facebook.com/Connie.Speaks!
Ditch the Drama!
How to Separate the Friends-in-Need From the Drama Magnets
By Motivational Speaker Connie Podesta
If you’re like most folks, there’s probably someone lurking in your life who is what I call a “drama magnet.” Oh you know them. They suck you in and bring you down and rob you of valuable time and energy. Sometimes you can even feel them coming can’t you? Those little hairs on the back of your neck stand up as a way for your subconscious to yell WARNING! It’s time to ditch the drama.
First of all, I’m not saying everyone who tells you their troubles is a drama magnet. Far from it. Heck, we all have troubles from time to time, things we need to get off our chest or situations that are too big or we’re too close to that make it tough for us to manage on our own. That’s NORMAL. That’s human nature. That’s part of being in relationships.
What you have to do in these situations is to decipher between the NORMAL – that is those who ask advice and are willing and eager to listen, accept and find solutions and the OTHER people. Those that thrive on the chaos and emotions they are compelled to stir up. Yeah, they’re not a lot of fun are they?
It’s this second group you’ve got to watch out for. They are the ones who ensure that it is absolutely all about them 24/7. They are big on blame, (though never accept it) and make you believe that they REALLY want and need your help, can’t go another minute without telling you every excruciating detail, but somehow never quite seem to take the advice or fix the problems do they?
How can you separate the two so that you can save yourself the headache and sometimes heartache of trying to ‘save’ or ‘help’ someone who has no interest at all? I’ve got a little mental checklist for you!
The people in real trouble who want and respect your advice will:
- Listen
- Ask questions
- Seek out resources
- Take advice and apply it
- Accept responsibility
- Look for solutions
The drama magnets will:
- Not listen
- Negate any advice given
- Immediately respond with why solutions “won’t work”
- Blame everything and everyone else but themselves
- Fight for their right to status quo
- Vehemently defend their position to stay in the problem
- Turn on you in a minute if they think you’re not totally on “their side” and even suggest that YOU might be part of the problem
The bottom line is this: You have a right not to engage in negative drama. You have a right to protect yourself against that kind of negative influence and manipulation. And frankly, you have a right to say, even to friends and family, “I can’t be the person you vent to anymore. It’s frustrating to me. It affects my day, my mood and my life and truthfully, I can’t be more vested in solving your problems than you are. I care about you, but I can’t be that person for you.”
Oh, and don’t worry about them. They will ALWAYS find someone else’s energy to drain. Some of them have been practicing that since they were old enough to talk! Walk away and hang out with the positive people. The ones that lift you up – not bring you down. The ones that make you laugh, not cry. And the ones who you can turn to and they can turn to right back when times get a little rocky without it becoming a production.
So, forget “saving the drama for your mama.” (Why do they say that? I don’t know a single mom who wants all that!) Just ditch the drama and come hang out with us. What do you say?
Oh - and if you want to join me for some positive fun every day -- be sure to follow me on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Connie.Speaks. See you there!
Take care!
Connie
Funny Thing About Perceptions…
By Motivational Speaker Connie Podesta
While traveling this week I was reminded of how I came to write my book Texting Harry. It was an eye-opening story about one person’s willingness to re-think options, re-assess the desire to learn new things and re-evaluate how to fit into a future where change happens at the click of a mouse. Harry believed that texting was “stupid” and social media was a “waste of time.”
It’s funny isn’t it? How sometimes perceptions can change and lives can change in the blink of an eye?
I was on a plane and delayed, texting my husband, and “Grumpy Harry” as I dubbed him was sitting next to me. He saw me texting and gave me his instant opinion on what a waste of time he believed it was. It was going to be a LONG four hour flight I thought. But we got to talking and finally the topic of grandkids came up and he finally opened up. Turns out he had a grandson, Chad – that he hadn’t talked to in some time. I asked, “You want to text him?” “Ahh, he’s in school” he said… But he texted…and connected – again…
Here’s the story…a little video about my “Harry” experience… Watch Texting Harry
I hope you’ll watch…and I hope even more that it causes you to think about the relationships in your life. About willingness to change, adapt, overcome…open up. It’s a good month for re-discovering relationships, re-defining your perceptions and remember that when we stop learning we stop growing -- and life is too short for that.
It’s been an amazing couple of weeks in front of incredible audiences and I thank all of you who listened and laughed with me. Not just for being there – but for teaching me as well. Don’t you just LOVE when learning and teaching all coincide?
Happy February...leave me a note here and tell me YOUR best “Ah-ha” moment…I can’t wait to hear!
