By Motivational Speaker Connie Podesta

 Go on, it’s okay. Admit it!

We all know that life would be a whole lot easier if we didn’t have to deal with those few (or many) difficult people we just can’t seem to avoid. I think you know who I’m talking about.

 What’s not okay is to give up something you need, want, or deserve because of their rude, obnoxious, sullen, and apathetic habits. Yes, I do mean “habits.” If you’re tired of playing their game, take charge of your life by taking a good look at yourself! You can not change them, but you can change what you do and how you act around them—and ultimately how they affect your life.

The Good News… and the Bad

Difficult people have been trained and taught to act the way they do since they were children. In fact, they have been rewarded for their negative behavior throughout their entire lives. Difficult behavior worked for them as children, and more importantly, it continues to work for them as adults.

I believe that most of us are born with the capacity and desire to love and be loved. As we grow, we learn to respond to verbal and visual cues, and we begin to adjust our behavior to obtain the positive responses we want. Children who can manipulate their parents soon learn to enjoy feelings of power and control over others.

The game of life is basically about getting our needs met. And you certainly do play a part! We reward difficult people by giving in to their needs. Think about it. If someone’s behavior is consistently inappropriate or unacceptable toward you, ask yourself if in any way you are rewarding their negative behavior.

For example, Helen gets upset every time Harry mentions that he wants to play golf. Rather than face a two-hour lecture, Harry usually finds it easier to just stay home. One day, however, he gets angry and accuses her of being a nag who never understands him. Instead of answering back, Helen gets her feelings hurt, stomps off, and gives Harry the silent treatment. He takes advantage of her “cold shoulder” and plays a few holes of golf!

Jennifer wins the same “reward” at her new school. Few of the kids would talk to her and some were even making fun of her. She asked to stay in during recess, but the teacher said no. Eventually she gets into a fight and pushes another girl down. The teacher tells Jennifer that fighting is against the rules and she will have to stay inside. What did Jennifer learn? Ask the teacher respectfully and you will not get what you want. Push someone and you can avoid recess!

We have three choices each time we respond to another person:

1.)    be positive

2.)    be negative;

3.)    avoid or ignore them.

Difficult people see avoidance as a positive response. When we ignore unacceptable, inappropriate behavior, it will usually happen again because our avoidance tells the difficult person that we are willing to accept their behavior.

What do they really want?

Difficult people want to do their own thing, in their own time, in their own way, without interference. In addition, they expect everyone around them to cooperate – even work extra hard – to ensure that this happens. And they do not see anything unreasonable about these expectations. There is little in their experience to signal them that their actions are inappropriate. They also have little (if any) desire or motivation to change their habits.

What can I do about it?

We learn a lot from difficult people. We tolerate their behavior and attitudes as “part of life.” We hold back our feelings and swallow our words. We make concessions even when we do not receive anything in return. We compromise even when it is 90/10 instead of 50/50. We may even question our own ability to relate and communicate with others reasoning that, “Maybe it’s me.”

Since we cannot change difficult people, we can only change ourselves and our reactions to their behavior. They need our cooperation and our permission to intimidate, control and repeatedly manipulate us to get their way. In most relationships, we are treated exactly the way we allow ourselves to be treated. The good news is that because we are partly responsible, there is something we can do to create and maintain relationships where we are treated respectfully. That’s great news! By focusing on ourselves and the changes we can make in our own behaviors and reactions, we can begin to take control of how other people treat us – today!

Take Action!

Think about two difficult people in your life.  Identify the behaviors of these difficult people.

Ask yourself if you could possibly be rewarding these difficult people.  Would they describe you as the difficult person? If so, what would they say?

Want to learn more techniques and strategies for dealing with DIFFICULT people?   Click here to get Connie's best-selling book Life Would Be Easy If It Weren't for Other People today!  

And don't forget to join in the conversation on Facebook!  She shares everyday strategies that can kick start your day, make you think, open dialogues and change your perspective.  You'll laugh, learn and love the camaraderie!  Follow her now at www.facebook.com/Connie.Speaks!

Tip #3: Quit Playing Emotional Games

By Motivational Speaker Connie Podesta

Let there be no doubt—game-playing is a killer when it comes to keeping a relationship alive and healthy.  It undermines the ability to love, trust, feel safe, fight fair, be vulnerable, experience intimacy, have fun together , work together, share ideas, discuss money, raise children, set values, and experience success.

Healthy relationships are based on one thing...healthy communication, otherwise known as assertive-- or to get right to the point—ADULT communication.  Assertiveness is defined as the ability and willingness to let others know your wants, needs, concerns, and feelings in an open and honest way without initiating or allowing GAME PLAYING, gimmicks, threats, manipulation, hidden agendas or GUILT TRIPS. (I have a saying for this last one, “A guilt trip is NO VACATION.”  Isn’t THAT the truth?)

Actually there are four types of communication styles and the unfortunate thing is – THREE of them involve game-playing.    No wonder relationships can be so difficult to figure out—we simply aren’t “talking” to one another the right way.  So just what are the three game-playing communication styles?

The first and most obvious is Aggressive Communication which ALWAYS involves manipulation at its best (or should we say at its worst?)  You know the type – the ones who use HURT and ANGER to get what  they want by either playing the victim, acting hurt and sad when they don’t get their way and trying to make us feel responsible and guilty for the choices they make….or ANGER which are the ones who yell, threaten, intimidate, and  try to control our thoughts, behaviors, and attitudes so we do it “their way”.

The second is the Passive Communication style.  These folks rely on compliance and avoidance in their game playing.  Passives have decided to play it safe and CHOOSE to take the path of least resistance by tuning out, ignoring, avoiding or withdrawing from a person or situation rather than dealing with it head-on.  Basically they give up, give in and give out to others’ demands and then feel betrayed or sad that life doesn’t go their way.

Then of course there is the Passive-Aggressive Communicator.  People with this combo platter of styles avoid direct confrontation (passive), but attempt to get even through manipulation (aggressive). If you’ve ever thought about making that certain someone who needs to be “taught a thing or two” suffer (even just a teeny bit), you’ve stepped pretty close to (if not on into) the devious and sneaky world of the passive-aggressive. These people never say what they mean or mean what they say.  Rather than find solutions, they find ways to get even and make people suffer who do not acquiesce to their demands.

Clearly, the only healthy communication style is Assertive Communication.  Surely you can identify many people in your own life that favor each of the four styles.  Including yourself.  Most of us go from one style to another depending on the day, the person, the situation, past experiences, and what works best to get our own needs met.  When we are being assertive, we work hard to create mutually satisfying solutions. We communicate our needs clearly and forthrightly. We care about the relationship and strive for a win/win situation. We know our limits and refuse to be pushed beyond them just because someone else wants or needs something from us.  Sounds great, right?  You bet!  Then why is assertive so darn hard.  Why can’t we all just behave and talk respectfully, rationally, and honestly ALL THE TIME?  Because we want what we want when we want it.  And, unfortunately, we have learned through the years that manipulation and game-playing may get our needs met quicker in the short term than trying to figure out how to do it right.

Bottom line:  we train people to play games.  Yep—you heard it right!  We are a usually a participant, not a victim, in the relationships that drive us crazy.  Whenever we give in, give out and give up to manipulative behavior we have taught the other person a thing or two about what we are willing to compromise about ourselves in order to keep the peace or avoid confrontation.  And when we play our own games, and people let us get away with it—we associate that behavior with “hey, that worked.  Let’s do it again”.  And the games continue—regardless of the consequences.

What’s the answer?  Take a long, hard look at yourself, your relationships, your communication styles, your go-to response when you don’t get your way, and ask yourself this question:  “Do you respect yourself and others enough to take game-playing out of the picture and replace it with thoughtful dialogue, crucial conversations, assertive thinking and win-win solutions?”  If so, then you are on your way to making some big, positive changes in some of the relationships in your life. If not, then let the games continue—at your own risk and to those around you.  Remember, as usual, the CHOICE to change is yours and yours alone.

Two Take-Aways to Share With YOUR Social Circle Today: 

• You CAN’T be all things to all people. Life gets better when you set fair boundaries & stick to them! #AGuiltTripIsNoVacation
• Keep your game-playing to actual GAMES. In your relationships? #BeYourBestAssertiveSelf

Stay with us on this journey right here at www.conniepodesta.com/blog!  I’d love to hear your thoughts so leave a comment or two and please share with your friends!  (We’re all in this together right?)  Be sure to follow me on Facebook & Twitter too – we share fun stuff and think BIG there every day!  I’d love to have you join in the conversation!

Other articles in this series include: 

• Quit Getting in Your Own Way Intro
• Quit Living in the Past
• Quit Living in the Future
• Quit Expecting Life to Be Fair

Tip #3:  Quit Expecting Life to Be Fair

By Motivational Speaker Connie Podesta

How unfair is it to even talk about this subject?  Let’s face it—the deep desire for fairness and what it stands for should not have to be disputed, explained or justified.  Unlike many things we value in life, a sense of fairness does not have to be taught or modeled in order for us to know when it happens and when it doesn’t.  Even young children intuitively know whether something is “fair” or not.  It is almost as thought we were genetically hardwired to recognize when something is fair…and most definitely when something is not.  And there is nothing to compare with the sense of injustice, outrage, and frustration when people and or life don’t play by the rules.

There are three basic arenas in the world of playing fair:  what people do to us, what we do to ourselves and what life throws at us. 

Fairness from others:  We have the absolute right to expect people to be fair—even though, unfortunately, that’s not the way it always works.  People can bring a lot of baggage, hidden agendas, and downright self-centeredness into relationships that cause them to make decisions and take actions that are anything but fair.  (The nerve!) Which is why we must be very selective when it comes to CHOOSING who we allow into our lives.  Toxic people use unfairness as a tool to manipulate, get their way and put us down.  For these people getting what they want no matter what is simply part of the game they play.  But they need a willing partner.   So be on guard!  Watch how people handle stress, behave  at work, discuss difficult topics, listen, compromise, and make decisions.  Be alert for red flags that scream “WATCH OUT!  Dangerous person ahead!”  This road will be bumpy and treacherous.  Take a detour NOW!

Bottom line:  Choose to be with people who play fair, work fair, argue fair, and live with fairness as a value by which they make healthy choices.

Being fair to yourself:    Self-doubt, negative self-talk, constant criticism and guilt are examples of people choosing to be unfair to themselves.  If that sounds like you – QUIT IT!  Being successful, healthy and happy requires walking a fine line between open, healthy self-evaluation and destructive self-incrimination that destroys the very essence of who you are.  Give yourself a break.  Push yourself to do your best.  Stay focused and determined to do the right thing.  Stand up for what you believe and live life with respect and love.  But...don’t be your own worst enemy when it comes to constantly feeling you aren’t good enough, skinny enough, smart enough, wealthy enough or successful enough.  Be fair to yourself.  Life throws enough your way without you stepping in and giving yourself constant grief.

When life isn’t fair:  Aw, here’s the one that’s the real killer.  We definitely have some control over how we handle people who are being unfair.  We can watch for the signs, learn from the past and choose carefully. But what about when life throws you a curveball?  What then?

Even when we’re chugging along, doing our best and making good choices, sometimes  something comes straight out of left field – a health crisis, a financial emergency, a car breaks down, the company folds.   And you’re left asking, “Can I just get a break?”

So what do you do when life hands you the proverbial lemons?  Well, our first reaction to unfairness is usually extreme anger or tremendous sorrow.  Legitimate emotions?  You bet!  Helpful emotions?  Not at all.  When life throws you something that is so far from what you expected—you’re going to need your wits about you to get you through it.   Our brain is pretty amazing.  It takes what it’s given and keeps our body running.  The problem is when we are angry, bitter, mad, railing against life, sad, depressed and indignant—those emotions take all the resources our brain has and leaves little room for creative thought, productive energy, coping skills, and a positive determination to win. Just when we need those things the most to handle the trauma, disappointment, loss, or fear—we have overwhelmed our brain with such overriding emotions that there isn’t any room left for our brain to move into “let’s figure this out” gear.

That’s when it’s time to take a deep breath.  Clear your mind and set those overwhelming emotions on the shelf for a little while. Give that phenomenal computer in your skull a chance to find the solutions, correct the problems and clear a path back to peace of mind.  Is that easy?  Nope.  Absolutely not.  But it’s the best thing to do if you want to put the tough stuff behind you in the fastest time with the least amount of stress.

So fair or unfair – you’ve got this. First -- steer clear of those who don’t play fair or nice.  You don’t need all that in your life.  Secondly, remember to be KIND to yourself.  Ditch the negative self-talk and have the courage to become your own best advocate and cheerleader.  And lastly – when life tosses you curveballs – throw them back by giving your brain the time and energy it needs to solve the problem and get you through the rough patches.

Sound good? 

Two Take-Aways to Share With YOUR Social Circle Today: 

FAIRNESS isn’t a given.  Watch out for the warning signs and CHOOSE to surround yourself with people who play fair, work fair and live life with integrity.  #ChooseWisely

Unfairness isn’t ALWAYS about life throwing you curveballs.  Sometimes the fairness you need the MOST – is from the person right there in your own mirror.  #BeYourOwnBestAdvocate

Stay with us on this journey right here at www.conniepodesta.com/blog!  I’d love to hear your thoughts so leave a comment or two and please share with your friends!  (We’re all in this together right?)  Be sure to follow me on Facebook & Twitter too – we share fun stuff and think BIG there every day!  I’d love to have you join in the conversation!

Other articles in this series include: 

• Quit Getting in Your Own Way Intro
• Quit Living in the Past
• Quit Living in the Future

By Motivational Speaker Connie Podesta

So we have talked about how to Quit Living in the Past—letting go, releasing and forgiving, moving on, and taking back control of the here and now.  But, for some people, living in the past has never been one of their particular obstacles. In fact, they deal with exactly the opposite…

Which brings us to #2…Quit Living in the Future

How many of you can relate to this?  You are the ones who are one, two, even twenty steps ahead of yourself.  Before you have even completed a project, your brain has already moved into fifth gear and you are on to the next big thing.  Sometimes leaving the first one unfinished and crying out for closure.  Are you a “living in the future” addict? Are you always worried, stressed and uptight about what might happen, could happen and should happen rather than putting your energy, creativity and focus on what you can control TODAY?

Do any of these apply to you?

1. You are more concerned with what happens next than what is happening now.
2. You are rarely satisfied with what you have done and want it to be better, faster, more creative, etc.
3. You project what you believe will happen without allowing things to take their natural course.
4. You manipulate events to try and get the results you want.
5. You often compare yourself with others and find yourself lacking, which pushes you to speed up and do more.
6. You never have enough time to do all the things you dream of doing.
7. People who know you always tell you to slow down, take a break, or relax. (And you find that SO annoying!)
8. You pride yourself on being able to do ten things at once, but can’t find your car keys.
9. You always think that as soon as you finish this one last thing, you will be able to just take it easy.
10. You interrupt people a lot because you are too busy thinking of what you are going to say rather than listening to what they are saying to you.

Sound familiar?  If any of this sounds like you, then welcome to the world of the future.  Now don’t get me wrong—looking ahead, having a plan and being prepared are admirable traits.  As long as your mind can also stay grounded and focused on the here and now.  And healthy competition is a key ingredient to success and productivity, but when you are constantly competing with yourself, you are fighting a losing battle.

Those of you that know me, also know that I do NOT set goals, never have and never will.  One of the reasons is this:  I don’t want to decide today what I am going to achieve tomorrow.  The minute that happens, I figure out ways to manipulate and maneuver my decisions and choices around the path that I believe will best get those goals met.

And my question to myself is:  What if there is another path, an even better one that I am missing because I am so determined to achieve my “GOAL” that I don’t allow new doors to open, new ideas to enter into the equation, and new strategies that might work for me in the long run even better?

The past?  We need to recognize it, own it, deal with it, forgive it, be empowered by it and use the lessons to live today fully.

The future?  We need to appreciate that we can’t control it, do the best we can to prepare for it, think about all the possibilities it may bring and then—live our life today fully, completely and with gratitude, thankfulness, and appreciation.

Too often people let the past be about regrets and the future be about worry.  Neither emotion is going to get your needs met, make you a better person, increase your ability to love and be loved, mend a heart, or solve a problem….at this moment.  Take a deep breath.  Take another one.  People always tell me:  Connie, life is too short.  That’s true, but believe me it’s even shorter when you are not fully present in your body, in your life, in your mind, in your heart RIGHT NOW!

So if you’re up for it…make today about today – and QUIT getting in your own way!

Two Take-Aways to Share With YOUR Social Circle Today: 

1. Worrying about the future is wasted energy.   Daily success is like winning a raffle – your PRESENCE (in the PRESENT) is REQUIRED.
2. MINDSET Check:  Never be so FOCUSED on the FUTURE that you miss the opportunities (and blessings) of TODAY.

Stay with us on this journey right here at www.conniepodesta.com/blog!  I’d love to hear your thoughts so leave a comment or two and please share with your friends!  (We’re all in this together right?)  Be sure to follow me on Facebook & Twitter too – we share fun stuff and think BIG there every day!  I’d love to have you join in the conversation!

Other articles in this series include: 

• Quit Getting in Your Own Way Intro
• Quit Living in the Past

How to Become the Best You - Tip #1: Quit Living in the Past

By Motivational Speaker Connie Podesta

There’s an old saying that I love by D.W. Williams, “Past experience should be a guide post, not a hitching post.” Boy – isn’t that the truth? Still living in the past? QUIT IT! We can’t change what was – not how we grew up, not past relationships, not lost friends or family members, not old hurts or old haunts or whether or not we came in first in whatever it was we were trying so hard to do once upon a time.

I do understand that some of you have a legitimate right to be angry. To be hurt. To be mistrustful. No doubt. I know that there may have been things said to you and done to you that were unfair, unpleasant, unreal, and even seemingly unforgiveable. And you probably replay these things over and over in your head, in your dreams, and even in your behaviors and attitudes. But here’s the good news. Right now, at this minute there is only one person in charge of your life -- YOU! YOU are now calling the shots. Making your own choices. Responsible for your results. And accountable for how you let the past impact who you are at this moment and in the future. Do you understand how unbelievably powerful that is? Or limiting and defeating--depending on how you CHOOSE to let the past define you? I can’t tell you how many people I have counseled or coached who tell me how badly someone or something else has messed up their life. And I then tell them “But now YOU are in charge. YOU have the power to change the cycle. Don’t let what someone else said or did for a few years or even a few minutes change how YOU live your life for the next minute, day, year or even the next 30, 40 or 50 years.”

Sometimes people will say to me, “But Connie, I didn’t choose to lose a parent, be mistreated, be abandoned, be unloved, lose my job, get divorced, or to have whatever circumstances have happened.” And I understand that, I do. But my answer is that while we may not always get to choose what happens to us – we CAN always choose how we react to that and, how even more importantly, how we choose to allow it to affect our future and define who we are and will become.

And are you going to let past people or experience ruin even one more day of your life?

Just say NO. No way! Quit giving up your right to be happy, healthy, financially secure, or whatever else YOU want for yourself in this life. Do it NOW. Make the choice to quit giving other people or negative experiences from the past the power to control how you handle today and tomorrow and the next day. Powerless means giving away your control. Powerful means taking charge of your life and being accountable for your own choices.

Let GO of the bad stuff. Here’s the deal. I don’t want to ask you to forget. Remembering your experiences, both bad and good, is part of who you are. And those memories can either defeat you or make you stronger and more determined than ever to change your individual life patterns. But I can tell you this -- you MUST FORGIVE, because holding on to old hurts, pains, sorrows, and grudges only robs you of present joy, happiness, love and lessons much more than it ever affect whoever you’re still angry with or hurt by.

I can tell you to LET GO – because hanging on so tightly to the past is like an anchor that can and will keep you cemented in what was rather than celebrating what is and can be. Forgiveness is NOT about releasing the other person—it is about releasing YOURSELF. And I can tell you that there’s real power in waking up each day eager to live in the present and excited about the future versus reliving the past over and over and letting it become your present reality.

And the GOOD stuff?  But some of you may be saying, “But wait - I had a great past! It was awesome. I think about it all the time!” Great, right? Well, yes and no. Sometimes we also have to let go of the good to a degree. That sounds counterproductive right? It’s not really. For some people, living in the past isn’t about to holding on to old hurts – it’s about missing the ‘good old days’ when perhaps money was better, houses were bigger, you were the football captain or the homecoming queen. Maybe you’re remembering how great it was before the divorce. Before the kids left home. Before you got laid off. Before you got a new boss. Before, before, before. Glory days can be a wonderful memory and when times are tough, it’s much easier and more comfortable sometimes to live “there’ than to live “here”. Unfortunately – ‘there’ doesn’t help you ‘here’ – and HERE is where you need all your energy, creativity, talent and brain power to make TODAY a better day and the PRESENT filled with opportunity.

So what’s the lesson? Memories can either make you or break you. They can drag you down, destroy your confidence, wear out your spirit and keep you living in “what was” and not “what is”. Or…they can be the foundation for unbelievable learning, new experiences, and a purposeful, happy life built on what you are capable of achieving at this very moment in time.

Don’t live in the past--Learn from it. And re-create the past to fit who YOU really are and want to be at this moment. You know, everything that has happened to you up to this point can be a tremendous teacher and even a healer when we choose to look at it with an open mind and open heart and see things for what they were (not just what we wanted them to be or what we resent the most).

Let’s face it—for most of us our past did not meet the expectations we had for the “perfect” life. But most of our experiences – the good AND the bad—offer up wise counsel for who we really are and have taught us invaluable lessons that have helped us become who we are now and the ultimate power of who we can be. We can CHOOSE to be a different kind of parent. Spouse. Boss. Friend. Person. When we keep looking back we miss so much of what’s going on in the moment. We miss the opportunities right in front of us. We miss time and experiences with the people in our lives that are so brief and fleeting that we’ll never get them back. And don't forget. While you are living in the past you are choosing to rob the people in your life right now of your full potential. Your best self. And that's not fair to them. You are a part of what they will remember when they look back.

Start Today. Forgive. Let go. Re-create. Learn from experience. Take back your power. Be in CHARGE of you, your life, your choices, your creativity, your attitude and your future. Live today – fully, freely and passionately. You’ll never quite look at life the same again once you do. Ready?

Two Take-Aways to Share With YOUR Social Circle Today!

1. Your past is NOT who you ARE. It's just the experiences you have had. You can CHOOSE what defines YOU! Know this: You Are What You Believe (So believe all GREAT stuff!)
2. FORGIVENESS: It's not about releasing the other person--it's about releasing yourself.

Introducing An Amazing Series on How to Become the Best YOU!

 By Organizational Therapist, Executive Coach, and Motivational Speaker Connie Podesta

Let’s face it – becoming the best possible you is a TALL order.  As a speaker, therapist, counselor, coach and friend – there’s not much I haven’t seen in this wide, sometimes wonderful, often times chaotic world we live in.  For thirty years I have observed, educated, trained, counseled, interviewed, influenced, been influenced by, learn from and listened to more than two million people…and unfortunately, the majority of those people tell me one thing:  they are frustrated, confused and overwhelmed—with their life, their jobs, and themselves. For so many reasons, they can’t quite seem to pull it all together and achieve the combination of happiness, success, physical health, financial security, or quality relationships they desperately want.

I’m always asked, “Connie, how can I get BETTER?”  They want to be a better parent.   Leader.  Partner.   Salesperson.   Family.   Friend.  Different answers to different questions of course.  One thing most of you already know about me is that I love a great challenge—especially as it applies to the relationships in our lives.  Thankfully I have that intuitive ability to see a problem and turn it over, around and sometimes inside out and to help my clients find the solution.  And do you know what has become crystal clear to me more times than not?  Get ready!  This is NOT going to be the answer you are expecting.  Most of the time -- my best advice to most of you is to QUIT!  You heard me.  STOP!  Too often, we are own worst critics, advisers, support-  system and objective observer of our own life.  Now believe me, when I say QUIT I don’t mean to give up just because something is uncomfortable, difficult, worrisome, scary or frustrating.   But rather I mean QUIT the behaviors, mindsets, habits and patterns that lock you into all that “STUFF” that is keeping you from being everything you want and more.  In other words, QUIT getting in your own way.

Ahhh….easier said than done-huh?  I know.  I’ve seen a lot of people struggle to gain a foothold in one area, only to find it was at the expense of another. And although I have certainly met and counseled those people who seem to not want to take responsibility for their own happiness, even to the point of sabotaging possible roads leading in that direction (another day, another book)…I truly believe MOST people (prove me right here, ok?) are eager, some even desperate to do what it takes to have a better, less stressful, more content and healthy life. They just don’t seem to know where to begin.  That’s where sometimes (much of the time in fact) the beginning really starts with an ending.

So here’s what I’m doing.  Over the next few weeks I will be writing about this very subject.  In fact, I have discovered there are TWENTY things that most of us need to QUIT NOW if we want to live the life we want, need, and deserve!    As usual, I will be blunt, but right on target.  I’m going to kick a little butt---but with lots of love!  Sound good to you?  Some of these twenty things may apply to you (if you are honest enough to take a close, hard look at yourself)—and others won’t but you will know someone in your life that desperately needs this information—and you can pass it along.  I’m going to dive in and challenge you to join me right here in the thick of things as we explore and discover the top twenty things you can do to QUIT GETTING IN YOUR OWN WAY and get down to the heart of how to become the best YOU ever.

This I know:  We are about to embark on a journey of self-discovery.  As I was delving into each of these topics, I had some major “Ah-Ha” moments myself.  I discovered a few areas that I still need to work on, think about, own up to and let go of.  So I will be working on some of these right alongside you.  We’re going to laugh a little through this, we might even cry a little through this (not you guys of course!) – but if you’ll stick with me -- I promise we’re going to learn a LOT in the process.  It’s going to be SO worth it.  You’re SO worth it. So if you’re in - let’s get to it – shall we?

Sign up for the blog or bookmark us here - and stay on top of everything we'll be learning to QUIT in the coming weeks!  Also, be sure to hang out with us on Facebook & Twitter where we're having a blast sharing ideas and insights every day!  We'd love to make you part of the conversation!

As we head into a new year where people everywhere are making resolutions to quit eating too much, drinking too much, smoking too much and the other bad habits – let’s get to the heart of what will help propel you to become your best you this year.  Quit looking outside for the answers and start looking inside for all the great stuff I know is there.  We’re going to have an incredible year ahead.  We’re going to laugh a lot and learn a lot and discover so much that’s just WAITING for us to explore.

So if you’re ready to quit the bad stuff and embrace the amazing stuff – I’m right next to you all the way!  What do you say?

'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house…
Computers were off--
even the mouse.
Blogs were packed up…
and sent far away
Ready to be sent
after the holiday.
Emails were packaged…
and ready to go
after the presents and 
choirs and snow.
Conference calls, meetings and
clients stuffed away…
They can all wait 
‘till another day.
Because now is the time
for friends and good food…
hugs and hymns and
all things peaceful and good.
I'll pick up the pace
on Monday you bet…
but for my holiday message…
This is all you will get!

Happy Holidays!

With love, 

Connie

Like most people I guess, I’m excited about the coming of a new year.  Clean slates, fresh starts, new opportunities and new people.  It’s funny when you’re someone like me – one of those NON-GOAL-SETTERS to see everyone already busy with resolution lists and goal charts.  Yeah, that’s not me.  I’m more of a ‘take the world as it comes’ kind of gal, and I like it that way.  It gives me more freedom to roll with the punches, choose new paths, open new doors and see opportunities where I otherwise might not if I were focused solely on “the goals.”

Plus, I just don’t like the pressure.  You know?  That whole ‘what if I fail’ mindset that some people get when they are completely wrapped up in the “I’ve got to lose 10 pounds by June” type mentality.  With just weeks left in the year, I tell you what my “wish” is for all of you who have so patiently, consistently and wonderfully followed me throughout the years…

Take care of YOU.  It’s really easy in today’s world of stress and chaos to get caught up in the taking care of your family, your friends, your colleagues, your careers, your children, your social obligations, the neighborhood watch and a million other things.  More often than not, we forget to take care of ourselves and when that happens – how good can we really be to anyone else?

So we’ll talk about hitting the New Year strong next week.  This week let’s talk about what you can do for you.

Laugh more.  Laughter is an amazing healing agent.  It releases endorphins, lifts our spirits and even rubs off on those around us.  What makes you laugh out loud?  Funny movies?  Comedians?  Great books?  TV shows?  YouTube videos?  Your kids (now THEY can be funny!)?  Dinner with friends?  Lunch with someone you love?  Whatever it is – go ahead right now and start calendaring more of THAT into the days and months ahead.  You’ll be healthier, happier (even more productive if you can believe it!) and more whole for it!

Commit to live healthier.  I’ve fessed up in the past about my clear and apparent weakness for Starbucks and the fact that I’m really not a fan of that whole exercise thing.  But the truth is we’ve got one body to take us through the rest of our lives so we might as well treat it right, fuel it with what it needs and heck, maybe even have a little fun while we’re at it!  I did that this year with my new bike and helmet and fresh air and it is a great mini mental vacation to get out there and take a ride.  I’m not saying NEVER have a latte and I’m certainly never going to say a bad word about curling up on the couch with a great movie and some popcorn – just put that ‘everything in moderation’ thing into play.  (Try it – you might like it!)

Bid a fond farewell.  If you’re like me you’ve had your fair share of Negative Neds and Debbie Downers in your life.  They can crush a good mood in a single comment-right?  Nope, put on your super hero cape and kick those personalities to the curb.  You’ve got big fish to fry next year – and that’s tough to do when you’ve got sad sacks weighing you down.  Let go – and give yourself room to grow!

Oh – and for all my GOAL SETTING friends – have a great time.  This is your time of year to shine and be filled with passion about what you want to accomplish in the year ahead.  No discounting that goal setting works great for millions so have fun with it.  And think big – then bigger!  Don’t underestimate yourself or limit your abilities --  you’ve got this!

And lastly, let’s have some FUN next year.  I have to say, I’ve had a great time with all of you on Facebook and Twitter this year.  Hearing your stories, reading your comments, having a great time and sharing with each other.   Let’s do more of that-what do you say?  I’ll be right there for the chatting – so tune in and let’s have a blast!  If you’re in – I am!  See you there!

Phew!  One holiday down, a few more to go!  It was terrific to  see so much response from the last post about managing holiday family drama (without losing it) and dealing with those pesky little issues like guilt, control and sometimes all out tantrums.

So I thought it might be a great time to share another special “treat” with you.  It’s sure to be better than cookies and WAY better than fruitcake!  I want to share with you a little inside scoop on what makes people do what they do and say what they say so that you can better maneuver and manage those crazy, stress-inducing personalities that might just show up at your door in the next few weeks red bow and all?  (And you might even see a trait or two in yourself that could use a little tweaking.)

Here’s the deal with families—we tend to treat them differently, expect more, challenge them more, nag more, judge more, try and control more and get annoyed with them easier than with anyone else in our life.  I get it—you didn’t choose them—they are simply intertwined in your life without your input, but that is even more reason to try and figure out how to deal with them effectively.  All right, here goes…let’s take a look at the four different communication styles and see if you can pick out which ones match up to the people in your family tree, office party or holiday open house.

Assertive Communication:  By far, the most effective and healthiest form of communication is the assertive style. It’s how we naturally express ourselves when our self-esteem is intact, giving us the confidence to communicate without games and manipulation.

When we are being assertive, we work hard to create mutually satisfying solutions. We communicate our needs clearly and directly. We care about the relationship and strive for a win/win situation. We know our limits and refuse to be pushed beyond them just because someone else wants or needs something from us.  Surprisingly, assertive is the style most people use least.  (Isn’t that just silly?)

Aggressive Communication:  Aggressive communication ALWAYS involves manipulation. We may attempt to make people do what we want by inducing guilt (hurt) or by using intimidation and control tactics (anger). Covert or overt, we simply want our needs met – and right now!

Although there are a few arenas where aggressive behavior is called for (i.e., sports or war), it will never work in a relationship. Ironically, the more aggressive sports rely heavily on team members and rational coaching strategies. Even war might be avoided if we could learn to be more assertive and negotiate to solve our problems.

Passive Communication:  Passive communication is based on compliance and hopes to avoid confrontation at all costs. In this mode we don’t talk much, question even less, and actually do very little. We just don’t want to rock the boat. And saying the word "no" gives us serious butterflies.

Passives have learned that it is safer not to react and better to disappear than to stand up and be noticed.

Passive-Aggressive Communication:  A combination of styles, passive-aggressive avoids direct confrontation (passive), but attempts to get even through manipulation (aggressive).If you’ve ever thought about making that certain someone who needs to be “taught a thing or two” suffer (even just a teeny bit), you’ve stepped pretty close to (if not on into) the devious and sneaky world of the passive-aggressive. So now what?

Clearly, for many reasons, the only healthy communication style is assertive communication.   You probably see quite the combo in your family tree now don’t you?

Most of us use a combination of these four styles, depending on the person or situation. The styles we choose generally depend on what our past experiences have taught us will work best to get our needs met in each specific situation. If you take a really good look at yourself, you’ve probably used each throughout your lifetime. Now that you have a better understanding of the four basic types of communication -- hopefully you can react most effectively when confronted with a difficult person.

This holiday I challenge you to do this first:  Take care of yourself.  We get caught up quick in the quick pace and frantic holiday demands and forget to take good care of ourselves in the process.  Channel your best assertive self and have a more stress-free and joyful holiday season!

Cheers!  Happy holidays to all!

Connie