Quit Playing Emotional Games…
An Amazing Series on How to Become the Best YOU!
Tip #3: Quit Playing Emotional Games
By Motivational Speaker Connie Podesta
Let there be no doubt—game-playing is a killer when it comes to keeping a relationship alive and healthy. It undermines the ability to love, trust, feel safe, fight fair, be vulnerable, experience intimacy, have fun together , work together, share ideas, discuss money, raise children, set values, and experience success.
Healthy relationships are based on one thing...healthy communication, otherwise known as assertive-- or to get right to the point—ADULT communication. Assertiveness is defined as the ability and willingness to let others know your wants, needs, concerns, and feelings in an open and honest way without initiating or allowing GAME PLAYING, gimmicks, threats, manipulation, hidden agendas or GUILT TRIPS. (I have a saying for this last one, “A guilt trip is NO VACATION.” Isn’t THAT the truth?)
Actually there are four types of communication styles and the unfortunate thing is – THREE of them involve game-playing. No wonder relationships can be so difficult to figure out—we simply aren’t “talking” to one another the right way. So just what are the three game-playing communication styles?
The first and most obvious is Aggressive Communication which ALWAYS involves manipulation at its best (or should we say at its worst?) You know the type – the ones who use HURT and ANGER to get what they want by either playing the victim, acting hurt and sad when they don’t get their way and trying to make us feel responsible and guilty for the choices they make….or ANGER which are the ones who yell, threaten, intimidate, and try to control our thoughts, behaviors, and attitudes so we do it “their way”.
The second is the Passive Communication style. These folks rely on compliance and avoidance in their game playing. Passives have decided to play it safe and CHOOSE to take the path of least resistance by tuning out, ignoring, avoiding or withdrawing from a person or situation rather than dealing with it head-on. Basically they give up, give in and give out to others’ demands and then feel betrayed or sad that life doesn’t go their way.
Then of course there is the Passive-Aggressive Communicator. People with this combo platter of styles avoid direct confrontation (passive), but attempt to get even through manipulation (aggressive). If you’ve ever thought about making that certain someone who needs to be “taught a thing or two” suffer (even just a teeny bit), you’ve stepped pretty close to (if not on into) the devious and sneaky world of the passive-aggressive. These people never say what they mean or mean what they say. Rather than find solutions, they find ways to get even and make people suffer who do not acquiesce to their demands.
Clearly, the only healthy communication style is Assertive Communication. Surely you can identify many people in your own life that favor each of the four styles. Including yourself. Most of us go from one style to another depending on the day, the person, the situation, past experiences, and what works best to get our own needs met. When we are being assertive, we work hard to create mutually satisfying solutions. We communicate our needs clearly and forthrightly. We care about the relationship and strive for a win/win situation. We know our limits and refuse to be pushed beyond them just because someone else wants or needs something from us. Sounds great, right? You bet! Then why is assertive so darn hard. Why can’t we all just behave and talk respectfully, rationally, and honestly ALL THE TIME? Because we want what we want when we want it. And, unfortunately, we have learned through the years that manipulation and game-playing may get our needs met quicker in the short term than trying to figure out how to do it right.
Bottom line: we train people to play games. Yep—you heard it right! We are a usually a participant, not a victim, in the relationships that drive us crazy. Whenever we give in, give out and give up to manipulative behavior we have taught the other person a thing or two about what we are willing to compromise about ourselves in order to keep the peace or avoid confrontation. And when we play our own games, and people let us get away with it—we associate that behavior with “hey, that worked. Let’s do it again”. And the games continue—regardless of the consequences.
What’s the answer? Take a long, hard look at yourself, your relationships, your communication styles, your go-to response when you don’t get your way, and ask yourself this question: “Do you respect yourself and others enough to take game-playing out of the picture and replace it with thoughtful dialogue, crucial conversations, assertive thinking and win-win solutions?” If so, then you are on your way to making some big, positive changes in some of the relationships in your life. If not, then let the games continue—at your own risk and to those around you. Remember, as usual, the CHOICE to change is yours and yours alone.
Two Take-Aways to Share With YOUR Social Circle Today:
- You CAN’T be all things to all people. Life gets better when you set fair boundaries & stick to them! #AGuiltTripIsNoVacation
- Keep your game-playing to actual GAMES. In your relationships? #BeYourBestAssertiveSelf
Stay with us on this journey right here at www.conniepodesta.com/blog! I’d love to hear your thoughts so leave a comment or two and please share with your friends! (We’re all in this together right?) Be sure to follow me on Facebook & Twitter too – we share fun stuff and think BIG there every day! I’d love to have you join in the conversation!
Other articles in this series include:
- Quit Getting in Your Own Way Intro
- Quit Living in the Past
- Quit Living in the Future
- Quit Expecting Life to Be Fair
Quit Expecting Life to Be Fair
An Amazing Series on How to Become the Best YOU!
Tip #3: Quit Expecting Life to Be Fair
By Motivational Speaker Connie Podesta
How unfair is it to even talk about this subject? Let’s face it—the deep desire for fairness and what it stands for should not have to be disputed, explained or justified. Unlike
many things we value in life, a sense of fairness does not have to be taught or modeled in order for us to know when it happens and when it doesn’t. Even young children intuitively know whether something is “fair” or not. It is almost as thought we were genetically hardwired to recognize when something is fair…and most definitely when something is not. And there is nothing to compare with the sense of injustice, outrage, and frustration when people and or life don’t play by the rules.
There are three basic arenas in the world of playing fair: what people do to us, what we do to ourselves and what life throws at us.
Fairness from others: We have the absolute right to expect people to be fair—even though, unfortunately, that’s not the way it always works. People can bring a lot of baggage, hidden agendas, and downright self-centeredness into relationships that cause them to make decisions and take actions that are anything but fair. (The nerve!) Which is why we must be very selective when it comes to CHOOSING who we allow into our lives. Toxic people use unfairness as a tool to manipulate, get their way and put us down. For these people getting what they want no matter what is simply part of the game they play. But they need a willing partner. So be on guard! Watch how people handle stress, behave at work, discuss difficult topics, listen, compromise, and make decisions. Be alert for red flags that scream “WATCH OUT! Dangerous person ahead!” This road will be bumpy and treacherous. Take a detour NOW!
Bottom line: Choose to be with people who play fair, work fair, argue fair, and live with fairness as a value by which they make healthy choices.
Being fair to yourself: Self-doubt, negative self-talk, constant criticism and guilt are examples of people choosing to be unfair to themselves. If that sounds like you – QUIT IT! Being successful, healthy and happy requires walking a fine line between open, healthy self-evaluation and destructive self-incrimination that destroys the very essence of who you are. Give yourself a break. Push yourself to do your best. Stay focused and determined to do the right thing. Stand up for what you believe and live life with respect and love. But...don’t be your own worst enemy when it comes to constantly feeling you aren’t good enough, skinny enough, smart enough, wealthy enough or successful enough. Be fair to yourself. Life throws enough your way without you stepping in and giving yourself constant grief.
When life isn’t fair: Aw, here’s the one that’s the real killer. We definitely have some control over how we handle people who are being unfair. We can watch for the signs, learn from the past and choose carefully. But what about when life throws you a curveball? What then?
Even when we’re chugging along, doing our best and making good choices, sometimes something comes straight out of left field – a health crisis, a financial emergency, a car breaks down, the company folds. And you’re left asking, “Can I just get a break?”
So what do you do when life hands you the proverbial lemons? Well, our first reaction to unfairness is usually extreme anger or tremendous sorrow. Legitimate emotions? You bet! Helpful emotions? Not at all. When life throws you something that is so far from what you expected—you’re going to need your wits about you to get you through it. Our brain is pretty amazing. It takes what it’s given and keeps our body running. The problem is when we are angry, bitter, mad, railing against life, sad, depressed and indignant—those emotions take all the resources our brain has and leaves little room for creative thought, productive energy, coping skills, and a positive determination to win. Just when we need those things the most to handle the trauma, disappointment, loss, or fear—we have overwhelmed our brain with such overriding emotions that there isn’t any room left for our brain to move into “let’s figure this out” gear.
That’s when it’s time to take a deep breath. Clear your mind and set those overwhelming emotions on the shelf for a little while. Give that phenomenal computer in your skull a chance to find the solutions, correct the problems and clear a path back to peace of mind. Is that easy? Nope. Absolutely not. But it’s the best thing to do if you want to put the tough stuff behind you in the fastest time with the least amount of stress.
So fair or unfair – you’ve got this. First -- steer clear of those who don’t play fair or nice. You don’t need all that in your life. Secondly, remember to be KIND to yourself. Ditch the negative self-talk and have the courage to become your own best advocate and cheerleader. And lastly – when life tosses you curveballs – throw them back by giving your brain the time and energy it needs to solve the problem and get you through the rough patches.
Sound good?
Two Take-Aways to Share With YOUR Social Circle Today:
FAIRNESS isn’t a given. Watch out for the warning signs and CHOOSE to surround yourself with people who play fair, work fair and live life with integrity. #ChooseWisely
Unfairness isn’t ALWAYS about life throwing you curveballs. Sometimes the fairness you need the MOST – is from the person right there in your own mirror. #BeYourOwnBestAdvocate
Stay with us on this journey right here at www.conniepodesta.com/blog! I’d love to hear your thoughts so leave a comment or two and please share with your friends! (We’re all in this together right?) Be sure to follow me on Facebook & Twitter too – we share fun stuff and think BIG there every day! I’d love to have you join in the conversation!
Other articles in this series include:
Quit Getting In Your Own Way Tip #2: Quit Living in the Future
By Motivational Speaker Connie Podesta
So we have talked about how to Quit Living in the Past—letting go, releasing and forgiving, moving on, and taking back control of the here and now. But, for some people, living in the past has never been one of their particular obstacles. In fact, they deal with exactly the opposite…
Which brings us to #2…Quit Living in the Future
How many of you can relate to this? You are the ones who are one, two, even twenty steps ahead of yourself. Before you have even completed a project, your brain has already moved into fifth gear and you are on to the next big thing. Sometimes leaving the first one unfinished and crying out for closure. Are you a “living in the future” addict? Are you always worried, stressed and uptight about what might happen, could happen and should happen rather than putting your energy, creativity and focus on what you can control TODAY?
Do any of these apply to you?
- You are more concerned with what happens next than what is happening now.
- You are rarely satisfied with what you have done and want it to be better, faster, more creative, etc.
- You project what you believe will happen without allowing things to take their natural course.
- You manipulate events to try and get the results you want.
- You often compare yourself with others and find yourself lacking, which pushes you to speed up and do more.
- You never have enough time to do all the things you dream of doing.
- People who know you always tell you to slow down, take a break, or relax. (And you find that SO annoying!)
- You pride yourself on being able to do ten things at once, but can’t find your car keys.
- You always think that as soon as you finish this one last thing, you will be able to just take it easy.
- You interrupt people a lot because you are too busy thinking of what you are going to say rather than listening to what they are saying to you.
Sound familiar? If any of this sounds like you, then welcome to the world of the future. Now don’t get me wrong—looking ahead, having a plan and being prepared are admirable traits. As long as your mind can also stay grounded and focused on the here and now. And healthy competition is a key ingredient to success and productivity, but when you are constantly competing with yourself, you are fighting a losing battle.
Those of you that know me, also know that I do NOT set goals, never have and never will. One of the reasons is this: I don’t want to decide today what I am going to achieve tomorrow. The minute that happens, I figure out ways to manipulate and maneuver my decisions and choices around the path that I believe will best get those goals met.
And my question to myself is: What if there is another path, an even better one that I am missing because I am so determined to achieve my “GOAL” that I don’t allow new doors to open, new ideas to enter into the equation, and new strategies that might work for me in the long run even better?
The past? We need to recognize it, own it, deal with it, forgive it, be empowered by it and use the lessons to live today fully.
The future? We need to appreciate that we can’t control it, do the best we can to prepare for it, think about all the possibilities it may bring and then—live our life today fully, completely and with gratitude, thankfulness, and appreciation.
Too often people let the past be about regrets and the future be about worry. Neither emotion is going to get your needs met, make you a better person, increase your ability to love and be loved, mend a heart, or solve a problem….at this moment. Take a deep breath. Take another one. People always tell me: Connie, life is too short. That’s true, but believe me it’s even shorter when you are not fully present in your body, in your life, in your mind, in your heart RIGHT NOW!
So if you’re up for it…make today about today – and QUIT getting in your own way!
Two Take-Aways to Share With YOUR Social Circle Today:
- Worrying about the future is wasted energy. Daily success is like winning a raffle – your PRESENCE (in the PRESENT) is REQUIRED.
- MINDSET Check: Never be so FOCUSED on the FUTURE that you miss the opportunities (and blessings) of TODAY.
Stay with us on this journey right here at www.conniepodesta.com/blog! I’d love to hear your thoughts so leave a comment or two and please share with your friends! (We’re all in this together right?) Be sure to follow me on Facebook & Twitter too – we share fun stuff and think BIG there every day! I’d love to have you join in the conversation!
Other articles in this series include:
