Motivational Speaker - Connie Podesta Official Site

Fun: It’s Secret to Success!

April 4th, 2013

Forget What Anyone Tells You to the Contrary!

by Connie Podesta

Listen, there’s all kinds of people in the world. Those who will lift you up and those who drag you down. And some who are quick to tell you that getting ahead, succeeding, doing a great job at work all has to be an effort in drudgery, dullness and nose to the grindstone. Truth is? Some of the most successful people on the planet LOVE what they do every day. They have FUN with it. And even the parts of work that are well — WORK. They make it fun. They find a way to enjoy the day.

I get it – don’t get me wrong. Lots of people are stuck in jobs they don’t really enjoy because it pays the bills and they haven’t found something else yet. But that doesn’t mean you have to walk through each day miserable and unfulfilled. Whatever you do – you can find a way to keep things positive, show your stuff and make the most of it.

How? I’ve found these two components are worth their weight in gold…

1. Keep your sense of humor. Find the things that make you smile and keep them top of mind. Humor can make almost anything bearable.

2. Be your best. A lot of the people that truly can’t stand to face the day are just ‘clocking in.’ They’re not engaged, not trying very hard and have given up. Those people that make it a point to be their very best whether they are an executive or a street sweeper appreciate the purpose and honor of giving their all. Don’t do it for the accolades or the attention. Do it because it’s the right thing to do.

So go on. Have some FUN today. Even if it’s just a chuckle at lunch. What’s that old saying? Your day will go the way the corners of your mouth turn? Smile. Give it your all. Make it fun. Your mindset– your choice.

Oh – and I’ve got some ideas for you! Check out my Fun Stuff page — there’s lots to make you laugh there! (That shapes test is an eye-opener!) Or here’s an idea -click here to read the first chapter of my brand new eBook Re*Defining Happiness! It’s sure to make you smile!

And follow me on Facebook! We’re always having a great time there!

Posted in How to Become the Best You, Inspiration, Life Balance, Motivation, motivational speaking | No Comments »

Leadership…How to be the Person Others Want to Follow!

September 6th, 2012

The Power of Influence and Empowerment

By Business Motivational Speaker and Human Relations Expert Connie Podesta

Bottom line? If there was ever a time this world needs great leaders–it is NOW! But let there be no doubt about it, Leadership and helping others succeed? Is a TOUGH job. It’s both a privilege and a life-changing responsibility. As a leader, YOU have a direct impact on other people’s successes (or failures) as a result of: Your Choices. Your intellect. Your creativity. Your power to influence. Your Integrity. And your ability to coach, mentor and teach others what you know. YOU must truly believe that your success as a leader will be measured by YOUR ability to influence and motivate others to WANT to follow your lead.

So the question every leader must ask themselves is: What do YOU bring to the table in the way of talent, skills, ideas, strategies, personality, courage and strengths that would make other people CHOOSE and WANT to: Follow you. Produce for you. Sell for you. Create for you. Support you. Count on you. Trust you. And most of all…RESPECT you. Want to be an outstanding leader? Start with YOU!

Great leadership is about “leading” people, not “managing” people. The reality is: People don’t want to be managed—but rather empowered so they can shine on their own. Simply “managing” people will not create the bench strength that organizations need in order to stay profitable and competitive in our world today. “Managing” is about power—leadership is about empowering. Managing is about taking charge—leadership is about “charging people up”. Managing is about being right—leadership is about doing the right thing. Managing is about getting your way—leadership is about showing others the way. Managing is about telling people what to do—leadership is about hearing what needs to be done.

Truth is: Great leaders understand that business as usual is over. They cannot continue to do things the way they used to and still be successful, competitive and profitable. A team’s success will be determined by the speed with which it can adapt, adopt and leverage new ways of thinking, selling, empowering, changing, leading, competing, and producing. Here is what I am finding: Leaders either get it or they don’t. They are either in crisis mode or forward-thinking mode. They are either fearful—resistant to change, fighting for status quo, territorial and afraid to take risks. Or they are fearless—willing to embrace new strategies, have difficult conversations, and focus on long-term, rather than short term goals. How would someone describe your leadership style? Fearful or fearless? Resistant or ready to forge ahead full steam? Stuck in the past or eager to embrace the future? Your team depends on YOU to set them on the path to success.

Successful leaders set the tone for the entire organization—they model the best behaviors, share the most positive attitudes, create the most innovative ideas, initiate the most exciting changes, engage in the most thoughtful conversations and embrace the safest and healthiest work environment. In return, they get employees who WANT to rise up to their level of professionalism. Set the bar high and people will strive to meet those expectations. Set the bar low and they will meet those expectations as well. Remember, true LEADERSHIP is about creating a sense of ownership within each person so they will WANT to do their best—for YOU, for the organization, but most important, for themselves.

Here’s a video for you to share with your team!

To learn more about great leadership strategies and mindsets, bookmark me here at www.conniepodesta.com and join in the conversations at Facebook.com/Connie.Speaks and Twitter.com/Connie_Podesta. Let’s lead the way for others! What do you say? Are you IN?

Tags: connie podesta, how to be a better leader, Leadership speaker, Motivational Speaker
Posted in 10 Ways to Stand Out, Business As Usual Is Over, Helping People Understand People, How to Become the Best You, Leadership, motivational speaking | No Comments »

Is Work and Life Balance a Myth?

August 30th, 2012

How to Create More Time to Focus on What Really Matters While Ditching the Guilt!

With Motivational Speaker Connie Podesta

In a world that’s spinning at about 1,000 miles an hour (and 1,000 things at once) for most women, that whole elusive concept of ‘Life Balance’ seems like quite the slippery slope! So we wanted to tap into the humor, how-to’s and success strategies from one of the world’s top motivational speakers, award winning authors, and an expert in the psychology of human behavior as it relates to relationships, change, communication, and life balance. – Connie Podesta.

Q: Connie, as you know there’s a lot of pressure out there today to bring our best selves to the table – both personally and professionally. For many women though, that whole idea that you can bring your personal life and professional life into some sort of harmonious balance is a struggle they wrestle with constantly. What’s your take? Is it TRULY attainable or just a MYTH?

A: The real question is — how does anyone stay sane in a world where no one seemingly sleeps or takes vacation time? Today, change happens at the click of a mouse. We have to be able to eat, talk, e-mail and text all at the same time! And for 80% of people (most of those women)– Cell phones are never more than five feet away 24/7. The truth is? You CAN’T manage TIME—ONLY how you CHOOSE to USE the time you have. Therefore, you have to begin by RE-DEFINING BALANCE. The reality is you don’t have a professional life and a personal life—you have a LIFE. Honestly, there is NO WAY we can ever equalize all the amazing, moving parts that make up our own unique life. Some days your job is awesome and you get home to chaos. Or the reverse – work was insane, but you come home to people who love you and have your back. Bottom line: Achieving balance isn’t about making time EQUAL in the different areas of your life and with the important people in your life – it’s about finding a sense of well-being, self-respect, fulfillment and HAPPINESS within yourself that will allow you to truly embrace what is going on in your life at each moment. When you are able to redefine what ‘balance’ truly means and let go of the ‘myth’ that it all has to be equal – you’ll find more peace than you thought possible—even on hectic days when life seems a bit overwhelming.

Q: Do you think that women, more than men, try harder to be perfect and that causes them to feel unbalanced?

A: Oh definitely! Ladies… let’s admit it. We are harder on ourselves than anyone else ever could be. It’s not that men don’t care if they do a good job—they do. But they are far more tolerant and forgiving of themselves than we are. (You don’t see men asking if their butts (or their gut) look too big-do you?) We are constantly trying to be everything to everybody. We have decided it is OUR responsibility to take care of everything and everyone. “But, if not me, then who,” you ask? One of our jobs is to TEACH responsibility—and we can’t do that if we are always rescuing, taking over, reading minds, and doing everyone else’s work for them. It is exhausting. And it’s time to STOP. Playing the martyr does no one any good—especially ourselves. Let’s face it—if YOU aren’t HAPPY, then no one is really happy. Now’s the time to be comfortable being YOU. Not apologetic, making excuses or defending who you are (which are three things women do a lot!) It’s time to toss out that idea that you have to live up to someone ELSE’S idea of perfection because, frankly, perfection is overrated and impossible. Instead start by being YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND instead of your worst enemy. Kick the negative self-criticism to the curb and knock off worrying about what others will think and the feeling that no matter what you do it is not enough. And if you can’t do it, find a friend who will set you straight every time you start down that path.

Q: Connie, why is having an OVERALL sense of balance important?

A: Because the opposite of peace, harmony and balance is anger, worry, guilt, depression, and anxiety. These five energy-zapping emotions reflect a life that is out of sync, unbalanced and in crisis. Women tend to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders—even when they aren’t asked or expected to do so. Finding your sense of overall balance means having the courage and determination to DECIDE to ACT, rather than REACT when life throws us a curveball (or a hurricane). To be happier and healthier? You have to CHOOSE to stay FOCUSED and connected to the POSITIVE things you CAN change rather than the five emotions above which are literally the toughest for our brains to process. They’re like vampires! They suck up all the brain’s bandwidth and leave the body to fend for itself. That means, every organ in your body has to pull out all the stops just to keep going and there’s no energy left to create positive thoughts, master amazing ideas, or even reach out to someone you love.

When you find yourself giving in to these energy drainers– STOP. Regroup. Take a few minutes (or as long as you need) and FOCUS on the good stuff. Women can get totally caught up thinking and re-thinking about something scary, worrisome, sad, depressing, guilt-producing (and the list goes on)—STOP! Don’t allow your mind to mess up your day; refuse to let the negative thoughts continue. Stop re-playing what went wrong, or what you did wrong, or what might go wrong. JUST DON’T GO THERE! YOU have more control over your mind that you think —honestly you do.

Q: Guilt. Boy this is a biggie for women-right? We feel guilty about time. Family. Friends. Obligations. And about not being able to be ‘enough–’ not just for the people around us – but sometimes even ourselves. What’s your best advice to women who find themselves often dealing with GUILT?

A: Ahhh…GUILT. The ultimate drain on life, love, happiness, financial security and success. Too often we desperately try to hold on to things like toxic relationships. Old habits. Sad memories. Hurtful experiences. Woulda, coulda, shoulda’s. GUILT happens when we live in the past rather than the present. It always goes back to messages, perceptions and expectations that were formed years ago. But it always boils down to one destructive thought: that we are not good enough. Which is a terrible burden to carry around. That perception affects everything you do. How you communicate. Relate to other people. Make love. Raise children. Perform on the job. Stay healthy. And it ALWAYS leads to a life out of balance and in the end: unhappiness.

So here’s the deal. Be good to yourself and LET GO! Forget what you think you should be and ask yourself: what do YOU want to be? And how can you make that happen. Starting now. Scary? You bet. But I promise you this, holding on to GUILT does no one—especially YOU, any good at all. In fact GUILT literally sucks all the creative, positive, productive energy right out of you. Letting go is about HOPE, FORGIVENESS, and taking a stand AGAINST being anything other than WHO YOU WANT TO BE! Bottom line: People will treat you exactly the way YOU believe you deserve to be treated. It all starts with YOU!!

Q: I heard you have a much different take on GOAL SETTING than most motivational speakers. While goals are ‘supposed’ to be motivators, they can leave many people feeling like they just don’t measure up. Your take?

A: Truth is: I am NOT a goal setter. Nope, not in the least. For all of you left-brainers (and maybe a bit obsessive-compulsive) people out there, I’m sure making your daily to-do lists and quarterly goals make an organized life possible. But me? Doesn’t work. Frankly, I’m more of a ‘take the world as it comes’ kind of gal, and I like it that way. It gives me more freedom to roll with the punches, choose new paths, open new doors and see opportunities where I otherwise might not if I were focused solely on “the goals.” Plus, I just don’t like the pressure. You know? That whole ‘what if I fail’ mindset that some people get when they are completely wrapped up in the “I’ve got to lose 10 pounds by October” mindset. The problem with goals is that most people either overestimate themselves or underestimate themselves. Both of which wreak havoc on the outcome of any goals you might set. More times than not people get so caught up in the stress to accomplish a goal – the goal goes right out the window anyway! I’ve found when you take the goals off the table and focus instead on your STRENGTHS, on leveraging new skills and adopting the right mindsets – the goals? They take care of themselves anyway. And your sense of balance? All the better for it! So go ahead. I double dog dare you! Give ‘NO GOALS’ a whirl for a week. I’d love to hear how it works for you!

Q: I have often heard you say that balanced people are healthier people. What is the connection?

A: Every piece of research shows that adopting a sense of HAPPINESS and overall balance into your life can absolutely have a positive effect on your health in zillions of ways. Every organ in your body thrives on HAPPINESS. It allows you to be calmer, sleep better, eat healthier, exercise more, and make better choices all around when it comes to YOUR life. UNHAPPINESS does the exact opposite. It attracts illness. Lowers your immune system so you can’t resist disease. Stockpiles nature’s all-natural good–feeling chemicals, such as endorphins, instead of releasing them into your system and it depresses your body’s ability to create antibodies. Wow! The cool thing is? We get to CHOOSE what we focus on. I’m going for the HAPPINESS thing – how about you?

Q: Any last words of advice?

A: Yes. Be good to yourself. Good grief, there are way too many critics in the world already without us lending our voice to the mix. Out with the old negative thoughts and self-talk and in with affirming the best parts of you. As a woman. A partner. Mother. Sister. Friend. Business person. Trust me – you’ll be better at all the roles in your life when you learn to let go of the guilt, give status quo the boot and be your own best advocate. It’s empowerment like you won’t believe. And while that BALANCE thing is always going to be something of a teeter-totter – you’ll have more fun along the way. You’ll discover things you’ve never even knew. And you’ll be a heck of a lot happier in the long run. So what do you say? You up for a little POSITIVE CHANGE? (It really is one of the secrets to success!)

Thanks so much Connie for your insights and ideas on women and life-balance. We look forward to reading more from you! If you’d like to learn more about Connie and her STANDOUT strategies for success both personally and professionally, visit her site online at www.conniepodesta.com! Don’t forget to join in the conversation daily too – by friending her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Connie.Speaks and following her on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Connie_Podesta.

Tags: balancing life and work, life balance, Motivational Speaker, personal and professional time
Posted in 10 Ways to Stand Out, Changing Perceptions, How to Become the Best You, Inspiration, Interviews, Life Balance, motivational speaking | No Comments »

#1 Key to Outstanding Customer Service—Understanding PEOPLE

July 26th, 2012

Six Essential Elements to Adopt in Your Business

By award-winning Keynote Speaker and Author Connie Podesta

Bottom line: If you don’t understand PEOPLE– customers, colleagues, leaders, owners, family, friends and YOURSELF, there is NO WAY you can ever experience success—at any level.

Imagine just for a moment how much you, your team, and your franchise could accomplish if you understood WHY people do what they do and say what they say. Especially when it comes to your customers.

Reality check: Customers are picky, internet savvy, impatient (even INSTANT gratification takes way too long), tired, frustrated, overwhelmed, and they want what they want when they want it! Not an easy group for anyone to deal with. The problem is…that pretty well describes the employees and the boss as well. Let’s face it–In a world where change happens at the click of a mouse, cell phones are glued to hands and some people are, well, not quite as nice as they used to be — it takes a strong spirit, understanding of PEOPLE and a major commitment to successfully run a franchise today. Your goal: to attract (and keep) customers coming through your doors that absolutely LOVE what you offer and are dying to rave about you to everyone they meet!

Where to start? With your biggest asset ever—your PEOPLE! Some say that the CUSTOMER IS #1. I disagree. I believe that PEOPLE are #1. Great customer service starts with fair, committed, respectful owners, outstanding managers who understand how to lead, mentor and coach and employees who feel good about themselves and their job. Great customer service begins long before the day’s first customer walks through the door. It is about great leadership. Great values. Setting high quality standards and expecting no less—ever! Committing to a franchise that is more than just a service or a product, but a meaningful way to connect and SERVE PEOPLE.

Great customer service happens when each team member feels:

1. PROUD: In your product. Service. Store. Team. Community. Pride leads to a sense of fulfillment which drives people to do their best, even on a bad day.
2. Part of the Team: They feel their opinions and ideas are listened to and acted upon. People don’t want to be “MANAGED.” They want to be supported, mentored, appreciated, respected & EMPOWERED.
3. Responsible: A team is only as good as the commitment between the members to be mindful of one another. To understand that their ideas, behaviors, and attitudes will always have an impact upon their team.
4. Connected: PEOPLE want to understand the big picture. And how they fit into the vision for the future. And how their specific job makes an important difference in the success of the franchise.
5. Respected: Respect starts when communication is assertive, open and honest. Respectful PEOPLE avoid manipulative conversations, game-playing and hidden agendas. Yelling, sarcasm bullying, put-downs and gossip are non-negotiable.
6. Accountable: Guilt, blame, and passing the buck don’t work in a successful team. PEOPLE need to be led by example and be accountable for the choices they make and mentored in making the right choices for them, their team, their franchise and in the end, for their customer.

PEOPLE are your best asset, no doubt. Begin today to LEVERAGE that asset to create a brand that will literally STANDOUT from the crowd

Want to learn more? Bookmark me here at www.conniepodesta.com and connect join in the conversation with me daily on Facebook or Twitter. I’ll see you there!

Tags: customer service, managing people, relationship building
Posted in 10 Ways to Stand Out, Business As Usual Is Over, Helping People Understand People, Leadership, Life Balance, Manageing Change, Motivation, Relationship Builders, Stand Out Strategies | No Comments »

Passive Aggressive Personality Issues?

July 19th, 2012

Top Tips for Dealing with THESE Difficult People

By Connie Podesta

In any situation where you suspect passive-aggressive behavior, you must begin by first taking a close look at yourself and your dominant communication style. This is NOT to excuse them in any way, because their behavior is definitely unhealthy, non-productive, and usually hurtful. But we need to take an honest look at our own behavior to determine if we are possibly contributing to an environment that allows passive-behavior to grow and thrive. Passive-aggressives are reacting to us and to what they believe we are doing to them or have done to them.

If we are using aggressive behaviors—HURT and ANGER—we often make it difficult, even impossible –for people to feel comfortable communicating assertively with us. In other words, we may be the ones who literally pushed them underground in order to survive. Responding to a constant barrage of manipulation takes great skill, courage, self-esteem and even a sense of humor. So the first step in dealing with the passive-aggressive is to make sure YOU are providing a safe, assertive environment for them when dealing with you.

Now, on to the part where you are doing everything right—and they still are coming after you full throttle. You need to understand how they think. These guys usually play for keeps. They want to even a real or imaginary score and will do almost anything to make that happen. It is very unhealthy behavior considering the fact they are even willing to hurt or diminish themselves in the process. They live with a scoreboard and know no other way.

Let’s start with some assertive strategies keep these people from engaging you in their twisted plans and negative ways.

Dealing with the Passive-Aggressive Person

In order for someone to be motivated to seek revenge, they must identify an injustice done to them – real or not. We did not necessarily do them any wrong, but they perceive and believe our behavior to be inappropriate, unacceptable, unfair, or unjust. Sometimes they are right.

Nevertheless, their covert, devious reaction is still not excused. But now we have a place to start when trying to diffuse the passive-aggressive.

“What can I do to stop it?”

Passive-aggressives are usually people who believe their lives are controlled by others, but they lack the skill, knowledge, desire, and/or confidence necessary to be assertive. They are also people who learned to be underhanded at an early age and are amazingly adept of sabotage to get their needs met. To minimize their attacks, be as assertive as possible. Most passive-aggressives find it no fun to deal with someone who will openly and honestly call them out about their behavior. (Ha! Where’s the sport in that-RIGHT?) Passive-aggressives rely on the fact that we will not want to take them to task for manipulative ways. And they are usually right.

Be aware that passive-aggressive behavior almost always produces a desire for us to be passive-aggressive in right back. Tempting – but don’t. We are responsible for our actions. That means we must make a conscious decision to not simply react or behave in a way that just feels good for the moment. We need to weigh the choices so both our actions and our communication serve to enhance our relationships rather than destroy them.

The only time it is beneficial to ignore negative behavior is when you are dealing with someone who is giving you the silent treatment. The same technique works on children, friends, and co-workers. First, tell them you are totally aware of their attempts to get even with you for some “injustice.” Then go about your business and just let them sulk until they decide to deal with the problem in a more mature, assertive way. Trust me – you will be okay.

Next, tell them what you expect! Let’s repeat this because it is so important–Passive-aggressives are not used to being held accountable for their behavior. So what are we to do? Challenge them positively! But be ready for the counter-attack. For example, how do you respond when someone who is behaving inappropriately disagrees with you in a public forum? This is one of the hardest – and most critical – times to be assertive and not give in or give up.

The best assertive response to a passive-aggressive person who openly disagrees with you is, “Thank you. I appreciate your willingness to tell me how you feel face-to-face.” We might as well hear what they are thinking about us to our face because they are saying it behind our back anyway.

Never doubt that passive-aggressives are at war with us. And they love the feel and excitement of battle–as long as it’s not face-to-face combat. They are really far too afraid deep down to deal with people and situations assertively and maturely. Therefore it is very important to recognize and understand where their anger, resentment, hurt, etc. is coming from. Unless we know how they feel, we will never be able to plan a successful strategy to improve the relationship.

As with our children, the more a person understands what is expected of them and taught why those rules and expectations are relevant to their future well-being, the less likely they are to engage in passive-aggressive behavior. And it’s fair and necessary to let them know what the consequences will be if those expectations are not met. Remember this — the more the person is involved in the process, the more they will understand about accountability and responsibility for one’s actions.

There is never a winner with passive-aggressive behavior, only losers. Do not ignore passive-aggressive behavior or it will get worse. Remember how I said before that we help to train difficult people? (Good grief let’s stop THAT!) Know that just as with other communication styles, the only way to effectively deal with the passive-aggressive is to be ASSERTIVE.

Be prepared though, because they will surely test your assertive limits. If you can deal with them and their manipulations–your life will be much easier.

Here’s your homework…Take Action!

Is there someone in your life that deserves to be taught a lesson? Are you tempted to get even by using passive-aggressive behavior? If so, how could you communicate your feelings more assertively?

Watch for passive-aggressive behavior in your relationships at work and home. Notice how destructive it is. Think about ways you could improve communication.

Do you have someone in your life that is being passive-aggressive to you? Do you know why? Think about how you could begin to communicate more assertively and productively with them. Have you let them know you are aware of their behavior?

When do you resort to passive-aggressive, underhanded and devious behavior? Come on now–honestly. We all do it once in a while. Recognize who and what sets you off down this path and figure out how to change YOUR behavior. Getting even is short term at best and it definitely doesn’t show a side of you that is worth of the type of person you want to be!

Want to learn more techniques and strategies for dealing with DIFFICULT people? Visit my site at www.conniepodesta.com

Posted in 10 Ways to Stand Out, Changing Perceptions, Life Would Be Easy, Negative People, Relationship Builders, Stand Out Strategies | No Comments »

The Passive Personality: The Path of Least Resistance

July 6th, 2012

More From the Life Would Be Easy Series…

By Connie Podesta

Passives take the path of least resistance by tuning out, ignoring, avoiding or backing away and withdrawing from people and situations rather than dealing with them head-on. I know they say the “meek shall inherit the earth” but it sure don’t make it any easier for the rest of us (or themselves for that matter) whether it’s in the workplace, at home, at a family gathering or dealing with customers. So let’s explore what’s going on inside this always intimidated, afraid-to-get-their-needs-met and often frustrating personality. That way you’ll know how to spot the red flags and warning signs and put your counter-passive ploys into play!

Ask yourself: Have you ever said “yes” when you meant “no”? Agreed to do something you really didn’t want to do? Given in to someone’s demands because you didn’t want to make them angry or hurt their feelings? If so, then you have used a passive communication style.

The Passive Personality – Path of Least Resistance

Passives experience fear and when they are afraid, they become paralyzed and stop taking action or making good decisions. Assertive people experience fear too—the difference is when they are afraid, they use their fear to transform themselves, make changes and forge ahead.

Think about times when you decided it was just not worth the hassle, anguish, frustration, time, or energy to deal assertively with a person or situation. Instead, you choose to ignore or avoid the problem, often hoping it will just go away. That, my friends, is passive behavior. Passive personalities are intimidated when faced with manipulative anger and feel guilty when faced with manipulative hurt. Passives may avoid a confrontation, but in so doing they create a great deal of unhappiness for themselves. Did you know that most stress is caused by avoiding problems and people rather than dealing with them? Imagine that!

NOTE: there will definitely be legitimate times when letting go and walking away is the most ASSERTIVE, courageous thing you can do. Anytime where you feel you could be in danger, walk away. If you have tried everything you can and you have reached a point where you need to sever the relationship in order to stay safe and sane–then do what’s right for you. Those are times where you are not QUITTING passively, but taking a bold stand to be selective about who and what you allow into your life.

All right — No more excuses, please. People with passive personalities love to tell themselves that their input does not matter. They even make excuses when someone is treating them badly. Rather than place the blame on the manipulator, they often blame themselves saying, “It must be me. Something I did caused this to happen.” The passive plays right into the hand of the aggressive personality. (And trust me – they don’t need that much help!)

Newsflash: It’s easy to see why aggressives love to work with, be friends with and marry passive people. Because passives do whatever the aggressive wants without even a whimper of dissent or honest discussion.

Aggressives favorite thing is to push others to the limit to see just how much they can get away with. Passives often fail to set any limits at all. Passives have a hard time in a leadership or parenting role because they don’t set fair, consistent boundaries. And when someone takes advantage of them, they let it go, rather than have consequences in place for that behavior. What would they rather do? Let others make all the decisions so they do not have to be responsible if things do not work out. Enough! You must decide to take control.

As adults, we all have the power to make our own choices and we have the obligation to assume responsibility for those choices. No one will treat us any better than we expect to be treated. You may have experienced things in your life over which you had no control, but guess what? YOU can control how you allow those experiences to define you as a person.

There are two main reasons passives have a hard time with confrontation. Many simply hate the physiological changes that take place in their bodies when they are in a tense situation. The fear of what might happen if you take a stand combined with the anger and frustration of not speaking up is enough to make anyone ill. Many more learned at a young age that in order to stay out of trouble they needed to just keep their heads down and their mouths shut. Those may be honest, uncomfortable feelings, but in order to move ahead in life things need to change.

Assertiveness is about taking control of your life. Passive is about letting go of control and handing it to others. Fearlessly setting boundaries means identifying healthy and ethical principles upon which to base your life, and making sure that how you treat others and are treated by others is within the framework of those principles.

How do passives get their way? They seldom do. Passives generally have very low esteem as a result of making unhealthy, even self-destructive, choices. They feel “unlucky” or “misunderstood”. They feel sad and hurt because they get taken advantage of and expect people to read their minds. Passive people usually avoid saying “no” in order to be nice. They think the only alternative to being nice is to be mean or selfish. Aggressives enjoy being around passive people because passives allow them to do their own thing, in their own time, in their own way, even if it involves manipulation and abuse.

Passives are generally intuitive people who play a game called “let’s see if you can guess what I want.” The problem is that they expect others to do the same for them. This “testing” usually leads to their disappointment. Surprisingly, the passive person values healthy, assertive principles for everyone but themselves. They do not believe they deserve what they work so hard to give to everyone else. In the passive person’s futile attempt to be all things to all people, they often fail to live up to the very principles they work so diligently to model.

When passivity becomes our default response, we have a big problem on our hands. Not only do we continue to “compromise” with nothing gained, but our ethics and values are inevitably compromised as well. As a result, our self-esteem is diminished.

Compromising with another person is one thing. Compromising ourselves is quite another. It is nearly impossible to maintain a healthy sense of self-respect when passive is the communication style of choice.

Here’s your homework – Take Action!

Think about how you interact with passive people. Do you let them get away with not fulfilling their promises, playing the victim role or making excuses for not getting the job done? Do you deal with them assertively? Do you provide a safe environment where they can say what they feel without retribution? Or do you take advantage of their passive nature and use it to your own advantage?

Next, think about a time when you chose to be passive. Why did you choose to be passive? Were you afraid of hurting someone’s feelings? Were you afraid of making someone angry? Were you trying to get your way through manipulation rather than being honest about what you really want and need in life? If so, then speak up. Life is too short to expect people to know what you want and how you feel. YOU have to take charge and make things happen.

It is definitely time to realize that YOU have a right to be heard, a right to be a viable part of every relationship and a right to be treated respectfully. GET ASSERTIVE!

Want to learn more techniques and strategies for dealing with DIFFICULT people? Check out my Life Would Be Easy If It Weren’t For Other People book today! Click here!

Want to read more articles relating to this topic? Try these:

Life Would Be Easy If It Weren’t For Difficult People and Communication: The Good and the Bad

Be sure to connect with Connie on Facebook if you have questions of your own about dealing with difficult people in YOUR life!

Find her at www.facebook.com/Connie.Speaks!

Posted in Changing Perceptions, How to Become the Best You, Life Would Be Easy, Negative People, Relationship Builders, Stand Out Strategies | No Comments »

Life Would Be Easy…

June 8th, 2012

If It Weren’t For AGGRESSIVE People

By Motivational Speaker Connie Podesta

Imagine yourself in a face-to-face confrontation with a football player, or a soldier, or even a bank robber. These are overbearing, powerful, and intimidating personalities when they are playing their respective roles. Aggressive is a good word to summarize the impact of such people.

The Aggressive Personality – Manipulation Through Hurt and Anger

One does not have to be physically intimidating to be considered aggressive. In the context of relationships, aggression may be expanded to include any interaction where one fails to acknowledge another person’s rights, needs, and/or concerns. The aggressive person’s only concern is seeing that their needs get met – regardless of the methods used or the consequences of their actions.

The two emotions used most frequently to manipulate others are hurt and anger. When difficult people use hurt to manipulate, their goal is to make us feel guilty or bad about ourselves. You’re bound to know a few folks who whine, complain, mope, and are always the “victim.” When people use anger to manipulate, their goal is to frighten or intimidate us. These types threaten, yell, scream, slam doors, give “killer” looks, use sarcasm, put-downs, and belittling statements to make us feel powerless.

How do I know it’s manipulative?

Both hurt and anger are very real feelings and emotions that can be meaningful and appropriate. One of the easiest ways to know if you’re being manipulated is to check out your own feelings when confronted with another’s hurt or anger. When we’re being manipulated, the ultimate goal is for us to feel guilty, insecure, afraid, or inadequate. When these emotions are used appropriately, we feel empathy for the other person’s anger, distress, or sorrow, but we do not internalize or accept responsibility for their feelings or situation, nor do we experience negative feelings about ourselves.

We train difficult people.

Most children are already smart and devious enough by the ages of 3 or 4 to try to pit mom and dad against each other to even the odds so that it is not two against one. Anytime parents fail to model assertive communication, the children learn to use manipulation to get their needs met. Aggressives know that most people will respond to the ensuing feelings of guilt or fear by simply giving in to them. Remember that, when we reward negative and manipulative behavior, that behavior will occur again.

Guilt is one of the most debilitating emotions we can feel because it causes us to doubt ourselves and thus feel unworthy and inadequate. To make matters worse, both fear and guilt can (and often do), manifest themselves as physical sensations, symptoms, or even illnesses that are uncomfortable, destructive, or painful. Stress can often be traced to people or situations that cause you to constantly question yourself in a critical, negative way.

Anger can often turn into verbal abuse. Ironically, most abuse would not exist without the help of someone who is willing to allow it, accept it, and even reward the abuse by giving in. A verbally abusive person is desperate to put the responsibility for their actions, failure, and problems on everything and everyone except themselves. Difficult people cannot survive without us.

You can make a difference!

Aggressive anger almost always begins with the word “you” because there is a desire to attack and blame others. Assertive communication is the only healthy style and almost always begins with the word “I” because there is no desire to attack or blame others. Assertive anger states the problem and the possible solution without attacking the other person’s character or dignity. Remember that difficult people are in a war for control, and they will go to any length to win. To stand your ground and communicate assertively with aggressive personalities, you must remember that you are responsible to people, not for people.

As an adult, you always have the power to step aside and refuse to accept or reward aggressive – or any other form of non-assertive – behavior.

Take Action!

Identify three situations where someone used hurt to get what they wanted. Were they rewarded for their manipulative behavior? Using assertive communication, how could you resolve the situation?

Want to learn more techniques and strategies for dealing with DIFFICULT people? Check out my Life Would Be Easy If It Weren’t For Other People book today! Click here!

Want to read more articles relating to this topic? Try these:

Life Would Be Easy If It Weren’t For Difficult People and Communication: The Good and the Bad

Be sure to connect with Connie on Facebook if you have questions of your own about dealing with difficult people in YOUR life!

Find her at www.facebook.com/Connie.Speaks!

Posted in Changing Perceptions, How to Become the Best You, Life Would Be Easy, Negative People | No Comments »

Communication: The Good and the Bad

May 30th, 2012

Communication: The Good & The Bad

By Motivational Speaker Connie Podesta

Let’s face it – there’s some real intolerable, grumpy, difficult people in this world– and more than likely you’re running into them on a daily basis thinking, “What the heck? Why do they have to be LIKE THAT?”

Truth is, there are a whole lot of reasons they are and we’re going to walk you through the good, the bad and the ugly of it so that you can better steer clear of the ones that are over-the-top trouble and leverage the ones whose actions can help you. I’m also going to share how to assert yourself in situations to get what you need, what you deserve and make it clear to the “my way is the highway” people out there that you mean business and your needs and opinions count! (Be prepared, however–you just might realize that once in a while YOU are the difficult person! Oh my!)

The Good News…and the Bad

What’s funny (and not in a ha-ha kind of way) is that difficult people have really been trained and taught to act the way they do since they were children. In fact, many have been rewarded for their negative behavior throughout their entire lives. Difficult behavior worked for them as children, and more importantly, it continues to work for them as adults. That makes that whole “but I can change them thing” seem like a tough ship to turn around doesn’t it?

I truly believe that most of us are born with the capacity and desire to love and be loved. As we grow, we learn to respond to verbal and visual cues, and we begin to adjust our behavior to obtain the positive responses we want. Children who can manipulate their parents soon learn to enjoy feelings of power and control over others.

When it comes down to it…The game of life is basically about getting our needs met. And guess what? You play a part! We reward difficult people by giving in to their needs. Think about it. If someone’s behavior is consistently inappropriate or unacceptable toward you, ask yourself if in any way you are rewarding their negative behavior.

Here – I’ll give you an example: Helen gets upset every time Harry mentions that he wants to play golf. Rather than face a two-hour lecture, Harry usually finds it easier to just stay home. One day though he gets angry and accuses her of being a nag who never understands him. Instead of answering back, Helen gets her feelings hurt, stomps off, and gives Harry the silent treatment. He takes advantage of her “cold shoulder” and plays a few holes of golf! NOTE: Harry did NOT view her silent treatment as a punishment (as Helen intended) but rather as a REWARD!

Jennifer wins the same “reward” at her new school. Few of the kids would talk to her and some were even making fun of her. She asked to stay in during recess, but the teacher said no. Eventually she gets into a fight and pushes another girl down. The teacher tells Jennifer that fighting is against the rules and she will have to stay inside. What did Jennifer learn? Ask the teacher respectfully and you will not get what you want. Push someone around and you can avoid recess!

Any bells ringing yet?

We have three choices each time we respond to another person:

1.) be positive

2.) be negative

3.) avoid or ignore them

Here’s a little tip: Difficult people see avoidance as a positive response. They win! When we ignore unacceptable, inappropriate behavior, it will usually happen again because our avoidance tells the difficult person that we are willing to accept their behavior.

What do they really want?

Difficult people want to do their own thing, in their own time, in their own way, without interference. In addition, they expect everyone around them to cooperate – even work extra hard – to ensure that this happens. And they do not see anything unreasonable about these expectations. There is little in their experience to signal them that their actions are inappropriate. They also really have very little (if any) desire or motivation to change their habits.

Holy cow! So what’s a person to do?

First up – know this: Change a difficult person? Nope, probably not going to happen. But – we can change OURSELVES and our REACTIONS to their behavior. Listen, they can’t go it alone. Those tough nuts NEED our cooperation and permission to intimidate, control and repeatedly manipulate us to get their way. Here’s where we get to interject the big: ACCESS DENIED!

In most relationships, we are treated exactly the way we allow ourselves to be treated. The good news is that because we are partly responsible, we’ve got OPTIONS! (Love those!) By focusing on ourselves and the changes we can make in our own behaviors and reactions, we can begin to take control of how other people treat us – today! R-E-S-P-E-C-T! (Aretha Franklin would be so proud!)–I know–those of you under 40 don’t even know who Aretha is. Look her up on YouTube–great songs with great messages.

No more tolerating their behavior and attitudes as “part of life.” No more holding back our feelings and swallowing our words. No more making concessions even when we do not receive anything in return. No more compromising even when it is 90/10 instead of 50/50. And for the love of Pete, (who is Pete anyway?) no more questioning our own ability to relate and communicate with others reasoning that, “Maybe it’s me.”

Here’s your homework…Take Action!

Think about two difficult people in your life. Identify the behaviors of these difficult people.

Ask yourself if you’re doing something – anything – that could possibly be rewarding these difficult people. If so – how you will handle them in the future.

Next up – (this is the tougher part) – Would they describe YOU as the difficult person? Were you seeing any of yourself in the traits we’ve covered? If so – it’s time for a change.

If you’re DONE dealing with DIFFICULT people and you’re eager to learn more techniques and strategies for making the most of your life and career, then check out my book on the topic – Life Would Be Easy If It Weren’t For Other People.

Or drop me a note here! I’m happy to answer!

Posted in 10 Ways to Stand Out, Inspiration, Life Would Be Easy, motivational speaking, Negative People, Relationship Builders, Stand Out Strategies | No Comments »

Life Would Be Easy If It Weren’t For Difficult People…

May 9th, 2012

By Motivational Speaker Connie Podesta

Go on, it’s okay. Admit it!

We all know that life would be a whole lot easier if we didn’t have to deal with those few (or many) difficult people we just can’t seem to avoid. I think you know who I’m talking about.

What’s not okay is to give up something you need, want, or deserve because of their rude, obnoxious, sullen, and apathetic habits. Yes, I do mean “habits.” If you’re tired of playing their game, take charge of your life by taking a good look at yourself! You can not change them, but you can change what you do and how you act around them—and ultimately how they affect your life.

The Good News… and the Bad

Difficult people have been trained and taught to act the way they do since they were children. In fact, they have been rewarded for their negative behavior throughout their entire lives. Difficult behavior worked for them as children, and more importantly, it continues to work for them as adults.

I believe that most of us are born with the capacity and desire to love and be loved. As we grow, we learn to respond to verbal and visual cues, and we begin to adjust our behavior to obtain the positive responses we want. Children who can manipulate their parents soon learn to enjoy feelings of power and control over others.

The game of life is basically about getting our needs met. And you certainly do play a part! We reward difficult people by giving in to their needs. Think about it. If someone’s behavior is consistently inappropriate or unacceptable toward you, ask yourself if in any way you are rewarding their negative behavior.

For example, Helen gets upset every time Harry mentions that he wants to play golf. Rather than face a two-hour lecture, Harry usually finds it easier to just stay home. One day, however, he gets angry and accuses her of being a nag who never understands him. Instead of answering back, Helen gets her feelings hurt, stomps off, and gives Harry the silent treatment. He takes advantage of her “cold shoulder” and plays a few holes of golf!

We have three choices each time we respond to another person:

1.) be positive

2.) be negative;

3.) avoid or ignore them.

Difficult people see avoidance as a positive response. When we ignore unacceptable, inappropriate behavior, it will usually happen again because our avoidance tells the difficult person that we are willing to accept their behavior.

What do they really want?

Difficult people want to do their own thing, in their own time, in their own way, without interference. In addition, they expect everyone around them to cooperate – even work extra hard – to ensure that this happens. And they do not see anything unreasonable about these expectations. There is little in their experience to signal them that their actions are inappropriate. They also have little (if any) desire or motivation to change their habits.

What can I do about it?

We learn a lot from difficult people. We tolerate their behavior and attitudes as “part of life.” We hold back our feelings and swallow our words. We make concessions even when we do not receive anything in return. We compromise even when it is 90/10 instead of 50/50. We may even question our own ability to relate and communicate with others reasoning that, “Maybe it’s me.”

Since we cannot change difficult people, we can only change ourselves and our reactions to their behavior. They need our cooperation and our permission to intimidate, control and repeatedly manipulate us to get their way. In most relationships, we are treated exactly the way we allow ourselves to be treated. The good news is that because we are partly responsible, there is something we can do to create and maintain relationships where we are treated respectfully. That’s great news! By focusing on ourselves and the changes we can make in our own behaviors and reactions, we can begin to take control of how other people treat us – today!

Take Action!

Think about two difficult people in your life. Identify the behaviors of these difficult people.

Ask yourself if you could possibly be rewarding these difficult people. Would they describe you as the difficult person? If so, what would they say?

Want to learn more techniques and strategies for dealing with DIFFICULT people? Click here to get Connie’s best-selling book Life Would Be Easy If It Weren’t for Other People today!

And don’t forget to join in the conversation on Facebook! She shares everyday strategies that can kick start your day, make you think, open dialogues and change your perspective. You’ll laugh, learn and love the camaraderie! Follow her now at www.facebook.com/Connie.Speaks!

Tags: connie podesta, dealing with difficult people, life would be easy if it weren't for difficult people, Motivational Speaker, Personality types
Posted in Life Balance, Life Would Be Easy, Motivation, Negative People, Relationship Builders, Stand Out Strategies | No Comments »

Quit Playing Emotional Games…

February 29th, 2012

An Amazing Series on How to Become the Best YOU!

Tip #3: Quit Playing Emotional Games

By Motivational Speaker Connie Podesta

Let there be no doubt—game-playing is a killer when it comes to keeping a relationship alive and healthy. It undermines the ability to love, trust, feel safe, fight fair, be vulnerable, experience intimacy, have fun together , work together, share ideas, discuss money, raise children, set values, and experience success.

Healthy relationships are based on one thing…healthy communication, otherwise known as assertive– or to get right to the point—ADULT communication. Assertiveness is defined as the ability and willingness to let others know your wants, needs, concerns, and feelings in an open and honest way without initiating or allowing GAME PLAYING, gimmicks, threats, manipulation, hidden agendas or GUILT TRIPS. (I have a saying for this last one, “A guilt trip is NO VACATION.” Isn’t THAT the truth?)

Actually there are four types of communication styles and the unfortunate thing is – THREE of them involve game-playing. No wonder relationships can be so difficult to figure out—we simply aren’t “talking” to one another the right way. So just what are the three game-playing communication styles?

The first and most obvious is Aggressive Communication which ALWAYS involves manipulation at its best (or should we say at its worst?) You know the type – the ones who use HURT and ANGER to get what they want by either playing the victim, acting hurt and sad when they don’t get their way and trying to make us feel responsible and guilty for the choices they make….or ANGER which are the ones who yell, threaten, intimidate, and try to control our thoughts, behaviors, and attitudes so we do it “their way”.

The second is the Passive Communication style. These folks rely on compliance and avoidance in their game playing. Passives have decided to play it safe and CHOOSE to take the path of least resistance by tuning out, ignoring, avoiding or withdrawing from a person or situation rather than dealing with it head-on. Basically they give up, give in and give out to others’ demands and then feel betrayed or sad that life doesn’t go their way.

Then of course there is the Passive-Aggressive Communicator. People with this combo platter of styles avoid direct confrontation (passive), but attempt to get even through manipulation (aggressive). If you’ve ever thought about making that certain someone who needs to be “taught a thing or two” suffer (even just a teeny bit), you’ve stepped pretty close to (if not on into) the devious and sneaky world of the passive-aggressive. These people never say what they mean or mean what they say. Rather than find solutions, they find ways to get even and make people suffer who do not acquiesce to their demands.

Clearly, the only healthy communication style is Assertive Communication. Surely you can identify many people in your own life that favor each of the four styles. Including yourself. Most of us go from one style to another depending on the day, the person, the situation, past experiences, and what works best to get our own needs met. When we are being assertive, we work hard to create mutually satisfying solutions. We communicate our needs clearly and forthrightly. We care about the relationship and strive for a win/win situation. We know our limits and refuse to be pushed beyond them just because someone else wants or needs something from us. Sounds great, right? You bet! Then why is assertive so darn hard. Why can’t we all just behave and talk respectfully, rationally, and honestly ALL THE TIME? Because we want what we want when we want it. And, unfortunately, we have learned through the years that manipulation and game-playing may get our needs met quicker in the short term than trying to figure out how to do it right.

Bottom line: we train people to play games. Yep—you heard it right! We are a usually a participant, not a victim, in the relationships that drive us crazy. Whenever we give in, give out and give up to manipulative behavior we have taught the other person a thing or two about what we are willing to compromise about ourselves in order to keep the peace or avoid confrontation. And when we play our own games, and people let us get away with it—we associate that behavior with “hey, that worked. Let’s do it again”. And the games continue—regardless of the consequences.

What’s the answer? Take a long, hard look at yourself, your relationships, your communication styles, your go-to response when you don’t get your way, and ask yourself this question: “Do you respect yourself and others enough to take game-playing out of the picture and replace it with thoughtful dialogue, crucial conversations, assertive thinking and win-win solutions?” If so, then you are on your way to making some big, positive changes in some of the relationships in your life. If not, then let the games continue—at your own risk and to those around you. Remember, as usual, the CHOICE to change is yours and yours alone.

Two Take-Aways to Share With YOUR Social Circle Today:

You CAN’T be all things to all people. Life gets better when you set fair boundaries & stick to them! #AGuiltTripIsNoVacation
Keep your game-playing to actual GAMES. In your relationships? #BeYourBestAssertiveSelf

Stay with us on this journey right here at www.conniepodesta.com/blog! I’d love to hear your thoughts so leave a comment or two and please share with your friends! (We’re all in this together right?) Be sure to follow me on Facebook & Twitter too – we share fun stuff and think BIG there every day! I’d love to have you join in the conversation!

Other articles in this series include:

Posted in 10 Ways to Stand Out, Business As Usual Is Over, Communication, How to Become the Best You, Life Would Be Easy | No Comments »